For some reason, maybe its the availability of time, or the availabilty of will, the winter brings me great sunshine and great time to gather some thoughts together for the new year. The first post of the year comes in the Russian Orthodox Christmas (January 7th) so as far as I am concerned it’s the same as the date from the previous year. 😛
The price of sacrifice can leave many marks. With me, it only left scars and bruises of experience. I felt that I was constantly sacrificing myself, and not even pushing myself, but punishing myself. I felt that this year I have learned the difference between pushing myself, and punishing myself. I wished so much, thought, hoped so much that sacrifices made would be worth the wait, the would be worth the fight. But the sacrifices of sleep, food, and classes that I really wanted to take and study, caught up to me, and in the end it was a punishement. I was silly thinking that there has to be a certain degree of rules that must be followed in order for the world, and my life to work out . Ironically, I am not religious. It’s not to say that only religious live by a set of rules and a set of guidelines. We all do, religion just came up first. Fighting the fight that was worth losing, or better yet not even worth the fight. Sitting in silence and confusion when something should have been said. Holding on to dreams that where not my own in an effort to please people who I felt I was in debt too. And I am in debt to some people, and just because I can’t even out the score now, does not mean that the game does not need to be played.
To sacrifice for the sake of pleasing others, for the sake of thinking that all sacrifices will bring great results only made me realize that the end never, never, ever justifies the means. It DOES matter how many steps you take. It DOES matter who you meet along the way. It DOES matter because every choice that you make leads you closer and closer to your destiny that you think you are shaping.
Going to pretty global, on the map kinda of university, a student like myself was wronglfully delusioned into thinking that the university knows what we want and what we need. The truth is, the university is still our playground, people around us,especially older than us, only think they know what we need. The truth of the matter is that, only we can judge ourselves what we want and what we want to take from life.
We just have to be brave enough and take the leap of faith forward, and not call it a sacrifice.